So I’m headed back. Everything’s okay, but now is my chance to really work on things now.
Or Amy, if the majority of people are calling you that now.
I’m writing to you to check up on you. I know when you were fifteen, you were having bad thoughts and had bad habits. I sincerely hope that those bad habits were taken care of.
What are you doing school-wise now? Did you decide to study music collegically? Maybe you actually went on to become a nurse like Liz so you can fix people like she does. For me, that would be the greatest accomplishment. That, or being a badass rock star who inspires people with her music. Both would be good.
Right now high school sucks, although it has dramatically improved since you moved out to Hartford. It’s funny, I wonder If you’ll even remember sitting here at the end computer in the HUHS library, typing this out and pausing to pick at the scrape on your knuckles from when you punched the fire place.
I know that sometimes I get the thoughts in my mind that once I move out on my own, I can finally cut without suffering the consequences. I’m sure you’ve found that is not the case. It still sucks, and that’s the way the world works.
This blog is like a time capsule; that’s the reason I am writing on it now. Even now, I can look back at all of the stupid things I have written from eighth grade, on. Look how far you’ve come since then. Look at how bad you wanted to die, but you’re still here. For that, I am proud of you. Even if by the time this reposts, you are not around, I am still proud of you because you’ve come a long way.
Also, don’t forget to thank all of the people who have helped you along the way. I am doing okay in that area right now, but I really hope you don’t forget that you aren’t where you are because of yourself.
I don’t care how old you are, what amount of time you have, or how childish it seems, keep doing the things you love. Like reading books, playing guitar, discovering new music, and drawing badass things. If you have stopped any of those I demand you do them as soon as you finish reading this. Or, if you know you’ll get distracted and forget, do it now. This post will be here when you get back. Why do tomorrow what you can do today?
Please keep your head up. Right now, I don’t think I’ll make it to be you in five years. Prove me wrong. Prove them all wrong.
– 15 year old you
Soon after my discharge from Rogers, I started to feel this deep appreciation for certain people. It is something I have rarely felt before.
It’s a feeling that makes me want to run up to someone, envelop them in a warm hug, and let them know how much their existence means to me. I wish there were words to describe how the little things they do, impact my life as a whole, despite how meaningless or effortless they might appear to other people. Some people need to hear it, and I have made it a strong habit to let people know repeatedly that they mean something.
I don’t do it just for the sake of making them feel good about themselves and the things they do, but rather because it takes a weight off of my shoulders and rewards me by making me feel like I have done something good.
To me, people seem to get the most benefit out of their life when they are grateful for the people who they have came in contact with throughout it.
As Carl Rogers put it, “The good life is a process, not a state of being.”
That is a quote I try to live by. For those of you who seem to be struggling, and who are by far completely over people claiming that “things get better”, be sure you are aware that time heals most things. Perhaps you haven’t met the one person who will change your life for the better. Granted, that doesn’t mean they are not out there.
Maybe, if you haven’t met that person, that person is you.
“It happens like this.
One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel–one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering–the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.
Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.”
~ Lang Leav
Before I proceed to explain everything that happened, I would like to start by stating that there are several people who would claim I am taking this way too far, but who are also not enjoying their life as much I am. Sucks to suck. :)
* * *
On December tenth, I was admitted to Rogers Memorial hospital once again. I thought I was done with self harm and feeling sorry for myself, but clearly I was unstable and had to get help. I broke down in front of Ms. Berndt, who then contacted the school social worker and blah blah blah… I ended up trapped in a prison that I couldn’t wait to get out of so I could die.
But anyway, At the hospital I met Liz, a nurse who is inspiring to say the least, and has definitely changed my life. From the first time I met her, I could feel the happiness radiating from her. By staying positive and maintaining a bright smile, she infected me with positive energy. In addition, she also spent a generous amount of time (balancing her documented work with the more personal part of her job) sitting by me in the doorway of my room, talking to me about nothing in particular or arguing with me about the positives in life. It seemed to me that she was dedicated to her job of helping people through their dark times, and relentlessly put out effort to drill good thoughts through my head. She also demonstrated how things really do get better, how smiling can make a difference in your life as well as someone else’s, and how not everyone in today’s world is out to screw you over.
I have made several attempts to thank her, however, due to some rules, I am not allowed contact with staff after discharge. That won’t stop me from trying, as I am a huge believer of thanking people face-to-face. I even went as far as sending Ellen Degeneres a message explaining that I need some help to give back to her. If anyone who reads this happens to know how to get in touch with her, please pass along this message for me.
Before even entering the hospital, I had the thought in mind that the moment I was discharged, I was going to head straight into my house, look for my father’s gun, and shoot myself on the spot. After passing through Liz’s gauntlet of good vibes, Those thoughts were scared off and no longer existed. I am happy to say that my future has become a whole lot brighter. Liz has helped me begin to love myself again, if I ever had, and began my push to truly inspire people. Simply by being herself, she has managed to accomplish what seemed to be an impossible task: saving my life and teaching me how to help myself.
For that, Liz, I thank you. And if you ever happen to come across this, I want you to be be aware of how much you’ve inspired me. I was wrong if I told you that not everyone can be saved or that it takes to long to get better. Sometimes, all you need is a little push. After all, flying is just throwing yourself and the ground and missing.
Keep smiling, it save lives.
Hmm. I’m not much in the blogging mood today. I have nothing to share really, just depression stuff and my summer’s wasting away. I haven’t talked to that girl in Janesville for like, three weeks. I went on a date with someone else and then never heard from them again, and I just hurt.
It’s like I’m trying to fill that hole in my heart left by my previous relationship. I gotta stop. Either way I go I feel empty.
I’m just tired of feeling like this in general, and now that we don’t have insurance, I can’t get my meds, I can’t go to counseling, I can’t be sent back to Rogers… I can’t get help. So my only choice is to stay strong. That’s getting hard to do. I can’t keep going through these withdrawals.
I’m rambling on again. I’m sorry. I just need to vent sometimes and hope that someone out there understands. So far, my friends and family don’t understand.
I also haven’t told them about the voices, either. I can’t get help with that until this until this situation gets fixed.
I’m going insane. Ugh help me.
I don’t even know what I was saying.
First things first, this whole LOVE thing isn’t working out for me. I’ve decided that I’m not going to let myself have feelings for anyone because I always end up getting hurt as a result of caring too much.
The SI Project is going pretty well. It’s moving slow, but that’s expected because of how new this is still. I’m really excited about the things we’re doing with this, though. One of the co founders is going to be running a youtube part of the project, which should attract a whole different crowd.
I wanted to SH so bad last night that it physically hurt. I wanted relief so bad.
But I didn’t do a damn thing but listen to music and cry. I’ve come way to far to let that take over. This morning I woke up and I felt a little lighter, like some sort of weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like I’ll only have to overcome this urge a few more times and than I’ll no longer have it.
I can do this, right?
Recovery here we come.
I found this project on Instagram that has some of the same personal goals I have, including supporting people who have depression. I contacted the founder and I’m now working with them to make a difference. Please, check it out. The facebook and instagram is freshly made, so don’t judge.
I also might be making the logo for them! :)
We will make a positive dent in the lives of those who struggle with depression and show them they are not alone.
Check it out guys:
My mind is so jumpy feeling right now. I don’t remember if I took my ADD meds or not, but it doesn’t feeling like it. I’m bored with everything now. painting, oil pastels, drawing… everything is boring. Even guitar is kind of boring now. I have nothing I want to do except ride my bike somewhere else and I can’t because I’ll probably get shot or something. I just want to.
The depression is still bad, because I still look at myself and want to cry, but my overall life is okay. I’ve been out of school for a few weeks now so I’m not pressured with shit to do. Depression gets worse during school months.
Speaking of school I barely passed all my classes. The week and a half I missed really pulled my grade down I think. Other than that I did okay. I got some of my past homework exempted. I had two exams exempted too.
I’m bored now, more updates later.
So they threw me in the ward for 11 days because I split my arm open so bad that it tore the muscle and needed stitches. I just got out. I’ll tell details when I get a better chance to, but my experience at County was hell, and at Rogers it was amazing. Magical even.
I’m okay now guys. I’m done with cutting. Promise.
Have you ever been situated someplace and forced yourself to focus on an object that radiates happy, fun feelings while absolute hell and destruction swirls itself arounds you, invades your mind, and tears you down from the inside out?
Its positivity is so innocent… So perfectly preserved as if nothing else is happening.
Its gratitude and happiness barrels into your heart like its oblivious to the evils and selfishness that infected the very air it inhales.
And as you stare into the core of this perfectly preserved innocence, you plummet, and grasp for the nonexistent rungs of hope on a one way ladder who’s base is submerged in a chilled murky acid thats bound to reduce you to dust… Its a cold feeling.
It truely is.