A Letter to 20 Year Old Me

Dear Amelia,

Or Amy, if the majority of people are calling you that now.

I’m writing to you to check up on you. I know when you were fifteen, you were having bad thoughts and had bad habits. I sincerely hope that those bad habits were taken care of.

What are you doing school-wise now? Did you decide to study music collegically? Maybe you actually went on to become a nurse like Liz so you can fix people like she does. For me, that would be the greatest accomplishment. That, or being a badass rock star who inspires people with her music. Both would be good.

Right now high school sucks, although it has dramatically improved since you moved out to Hartford. It’s funny, I wonder If you’ll even remember sitting here at the end computer in the HUHS library, typing this out and pausing to pick at the scrape on your knuckles from when you punched the fire place.

I know that sometimes I get the thoughts in my mind that once I move out on my own, I can finally cut without suffering the consequences. I’m sure you’ve found that is not the case. It still sucks, and that’s the way the world works.

This blog is like a time capsule; that’s the reason I am writing on it now. Even now, I can look back at all of the stupid things I have written from eighth grade, on. Look how far you’ve come since then. Look at how bad you wanted to die, but you’re still here. For that, I am proud of you. Even if by the time this reposts, you are not around, I am still proud of you because you’ve come a long way.

Also, don’t forget to thank all of the people who have helped you along the way.  I am doing okay in that area right now, but I really hope you don’t forget that you aren’t where you are because of yourself.

I don’t care how old you are, what amount of time you have, or how childish it seems, keep doing the things you love. Like reading books, playing guitar, discovering new music, and drawing badass things. If you have stopped any of those I demand you do them as soon as you finish reading this. Or, if you know you’ll get distracted and forget, do it now. This post will be here when you get back. Why do tomorrow what you can do today?

Please keep your head up. Right now, I don’t think I’ll make it to be you in five years. Prove me wrong. Prove them all wrong.

– 15 year old you

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One thought on “A Letter to 20 Year Old Me

  1. Dear 20 year old Amy.

    Remember me? I knew you when you were just 14. I hope you read this with the wisdom time has given you over the years, because then you will know that reaching out for help when you need it, is not just a wise thing, but so much more. Yes you had some torments over the years, but you reached out and together with others you overcame them. I bet you are helping people too now, because you will have an inner strength and understanding that goes way beyond compassion.

    Just as you reached out for help and people like Liz saw your hand waving and grasped it… I think you see hands waving now and grasp them too. Because now you see the hope and know that with help, it can be overcome. You know that you were never really alone, that people from all over the world cared for you. This is why, whether through music, nursing or even being a doctor, you offer that care and help now. I bet your music is filled with empathy and draws people in. Be sure to share that with others.

    Now you can see why people saw that in you when you were struggling way back when you were 14 even. Sometimes reaching out was hard to do then, but over time you saw that seeking help when you needed it was the best thing you could do. Sometimes it was hard to do. Sometimes you didn’t know where you should look for help. You discovered though, that help was there, not always as strong, maybe as you wanted it to be. But you fought through it, and will continue to do so. Because you are worth fighting for.

    So I ask this of you now… 20 year old Amy, remember that, that you are worth fighting for, tell it to others too, so they know.

    Love
    Amber

    Like

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