Unlocked Doors

I don’t think I’ll need to go back there again.

To the hospital, I mean. I have developed an ignorance for what people think of me. The weight of thanking Liz is off my shoulders, and in that process, she yet again opened my eyes to life lessons. I discovered that one of the reasons Liz was so influential to me was the fact that she was one of the few people who believed in me… and showed it. I could tell she thought I had a bright future in front of me. True, no one person can save your life, but I still think it is a team effort. She unlocked the door for me, and I pushed it open. I still hope to accidentally run in to her someday so I can tell her about all the progress I’ve made. I feel like she would want to know.

While I was in the hospital this most recent time, Liz pulled away in an effort to make me less codependent. To me I didn’t seem codependent at all. Anyway, throughout the night that I was crying (due to thinking that the only person who believed in me has given up) she walked in and out of my room to talk to the staff who was doing a one-to-one with my roommate. An hour and a half later, she open the door, but it wasn’t to talk to staff. She called my name to see if I was awake, and long story short, took me into the office she was working in so we could talk. that was the last night I was supposed to be there, and I had suspicion I was going to leave before her shift. She felt bad that we didn’t get to talk when I wanted to. We sat there and talked about random things and gradually I stopped crying and was happy again. I was fine once I knew she hadn’t given up on me, and the look she gave me when I told her she didn’t have to “save me every time” proved that.

With that note, I’ll leave you with the lyrics of a good song.

Hard Love

by Bob Franke

I remember growing up like it was only yesterday
Mom & Daddy tried their best to guide me on my way
But the hard times & the liquor drove the easy love away
And the only love I knew about was hard love

It was hard love, every hour of the day
When Christmas to my birthday was a million years away
And the fear that came between them drove the tears into my play
There was love in daddy’s house, but it was hard love

And I recall the gentle courtesy you gave me as I tried
To dissemble in politeness all the love I felt inside
And for every song of laughter was another song that cried
This ain’t no easy weekend, this is hard love

It was hard love, every step of the way
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away
And when all the stars and sentimental songs dissolved to day
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love

So I loved you for your courage, and your gentle sense of shame
And I loved you for your laughter and your language and your name
And I knew it was impossible, but I loved you just the same
Though’ the only love I gave to you was hard love

It was hard love, it was hard on you, I know
When the only love I gave to you was love I couldn’t show
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover turned to go
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love

So I’m standing in this phone booth with a dollar and a dime
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind
For    the Lord’s cross might redeem us, but our own just wastes our time
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love

So I’ll tell you that I love you even though I’m far away
And I’ll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day
How you help me to accept myself and I won’t forget to say
Love is never wasted, even when it’s hard love

Yes, it’s hard love, but it’s love all the same
Not the stuff of fantasy, but more than just a game
And the only kind of miracle that’s worthy of the name
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love

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A Letter to 20 Year Old Me

Dear Amelia,

Or Amy, if the majority of people are calling you that now.

I’m writing to you to check up on you. I know when you were fifteen, you were having bad thoughts and had bad habits. I sincerely hope that those bad habits were taken care of.

What are you doing school-wise now? Did you decide to study music collegically? Maybe you actually went on to become a nurse like Liz so you can fix people like she does. For me, that would be the greatest accomplishment. That, or being a badass rock star who inspires people with her music. Both would be good.

Right now high school sucks, although it has dramatically improved since you moved out to Hartford. It’s funny, I wonder If you’ll even remember sitting here at the end computer in the HUHS library, typing this out and pausing to pick at the scrape on your knuckles from when you punched the fire place.

I know that sometimes I get the thoughts in my mind that once I move out on my own, I can finally cut without suffering the consequences. I’m sure you’ve found that is not the case. It still sucks, and that’s the way the world works.

This blog is like a time capsule; that’s the reason I am writing on it now. Even now, I can look back at all of the stupid things I have written from eighth grade, on. Look how far you’ve come since then. Look at how bad you wanted to die, but you’re still here. For that, I am proud of you. Even if by the time this reposts, you are not around, I am still proud of you because you’ve come a long way.

Also, don’t forget to thank all of the people who have helped you along the way.  I am doing okay in that area right now, but I really hope you don’t forget that you aren’t where you are because of yourself.

I don’t care how old you are, what amount of time you have, or how childish it seems, keep doing the things you love. Like reading books, playing guitar, discovering new music, and drawing badass things. If you have stopped any of those I demand you do them as soon as you finish reading this. Or, if you know you’ll get distracted and forget, do it now. This post will be here when you get back. Why do tomorrow what you can do today?

Please keep your head up. Right now, I don’t think I’ll make it to be you in five years. Prove me wrong. Prove them all wrong.

– 15 year old you