I’m a wreck.
Lately I’ve been an asshole to everyone I love, and those dreaded anxiety attacks have been getting worse and more frequent. It seems like I’m becoming more and more illiterate every day, and I don’t deal with stupidity like that very well.
Let’s look at it this way. It feels like nobody cares anymore. Like no one seriously cares. They look past me in the hallway every day, rarely even waving to say hi. People ask me how my day is in a monotone voice, and then walk away before I can answer. I feel sick and dizzy most of the time, and I get jittery for no reason… almost like I’m constantly on a caffeine high. I get worried and worked up over nothing and it’s impossible to calm down… The only thing that really helps calm me down is self harm. It’s not bad… like I only do it a little bit so that it gets the endorphins pumping through my body. In turn, this naturally calms me down, and the increased blood flow to the cut makes me feel warmer and less lonely. I really don’t want to get into this again, but if anyone has any suggestions as to what else could sooth anxiety attacks, please tell me. I want a better way to handle this. Pacing, steady breathing, and excercise don’t help, surprisingly. Any other advice would be great.
In addition to that, my fear of getting raped and just grown men in general has gotten worse. I’m afraid to walk outside alone along a busy street because I don’t want people looking at me as a sexual item. I don’t do things anymore because I don’t want to be judged or criticized. I don’t want to look stupid or give people a reason to hate me. I feel uncomfortable… or unsettled most of the time, and lately, anything that has to do with evil, satanism, or death freaks me out big time.
The thought of death or pain of another human being makes me cringe and flip out. I looked into my girlfriend’s (I’m bisexual btw) eyes the other day, and I instantly felt this wave of worry pass through me. Her recent flirtationship with death had me ripped in pieces, and suddenly, after her spending a week in the ward and a few weeks at home, I felt that death had gripped her again. Like “Hey there, this is still mine, bitch.” It freaked me out so much. My heart started pounding really fast, so fast and hard that you could hear it if you were standing next to me. I told her to feel my heart beat, and she said it was abnormal and that my pupils were really dialated. I was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t calm down until I got home an hour and a half later. She told me she wanted me to get checked out for an Anxiety Disorder and clinical Depression. I’m not sure I like that idea. But I trust her…
Well, on the bright side, we’ve been together for almost three months. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see her all next week. I hate it.
Talk to me, what’s going on in your life, you guys?