Getting into Those Bad Habits Again…

I’m a wreck.

Lately I’ve been an asshole to everyone I love, and those dreaded anxiety attacks have been getting worse and more frequent. It seems like I’m becoming more and more illiterate every day, and I don’t deal with stupidity like that very well.

Let’s look at it this way. It feels like nobody cares anymore. Like no one seriously cares. They look past me in the hallway every day, rarely even waving to say hi. People ask me how my day is in a monotone voice, and then walk away before I can answer. I feel sick and dizzy most of the time, and I get jittery for no reason… almost like I’m constantly on a caffeine high.  I get worried and worked up over nothing and it’s impossible to calm down… The only thing that really helps calm me down is self harm. It’s not bad… like I only do it a little bit so that it gets the endorphins pumping through my body. In turn, this naturally calms me down, and the increased blood flow to the cut makes me feel warmer and less lonely. I really don’t want to get into this again, but if anyone has any suggestions as to what else could sooth anxiety attacks, please tell me. I want a better way to handle this. Pacing, steady breathing, and excercise don’t help, surprisingly. Any other advice would be great.

In addition to that, my fear of getting raped and just grown men in general has gotten worse. I’m afraid to walk outside alone along a busy street because I don’t want people looking at me as a sexual item. I don’t do things anymore because I don’t want to be judged or criticized. I don’t want to look stupid or give people a reason to hate me. I feel uncomfortable… or unsettled most of the time, and lately, anything that has to do with evil, satanism, or death freaks me out big time.

The thought of death or pain of another human being makes me cringe and flip out. I looked into my girlfriend’s (I’m bisexual btw) eyes the other day, and I instantly felt this wave of worry pass through me. Her recent flirtationship with death had me ripped in pieces, and suddenly, after her spending a week in the ward and a few weeks at home, I felt that death had gripped her again. Like “Hey there, this is still mine, bitch.” It freaked me out so much. My heart started pounding really fast, so fast and hard that you could hear it if you were standing next to me. I told her to feel my heart beat, and she said it was abnormal and that my pupils were really dialated. I was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t calm down until I got home an hour and a half later. She told me she wanted me to get checked out for an Anxiety Disorder and clinical Depression. I’m not sure I like that idea. But I trust her…

Well, on the bright side, we’ve been together for almost three months. Unfortunately I won’t be able to see her all next week. I hate it.

Talk to me, what’s going on in your life, you guys?

-Amy

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17 thoughts on “Getting into Those Bad Habits Again…

  1. You should listen to her….I don’t want to lose you. Really. And I do care about you. God, do you have any idea how much I miss you? More than I can possibly express.

    I’m happy for you two. She was just telling me earlier about it being almost 3 months cx

    Aha….you don’t wanna know what’s been going on in my life…you’d be so disappointed…

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    1. I’ll be okay Kim.<3 I'm not going to kill myself or anything. I'm not that… selfish.. weak…you get the idea. I'm stronger than that. Text me and tell me that's been going on. I miss you too :/ did you move yet?

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      1. Okay….and I know you’re strong C:
        I will in a few….I have no clue where my phone is.
        Nope, we have not. And by the looks of it, we ain’t moving anytime soon.
        WE SHOULD HAVE A SLEEPOVER THIS SPRING BREAK.

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  2. so a lot is going on Amy, the rapid heart beat is common with a panic attack, did it feel like one?

    You didn’t have any therapy yet did you? It sounds like your anxiety is PTSD related.

    The anxiety attacks/ panic attacks. There is away to help manage them. Are you having a lot of them?

    Do you see your pdoc at all? Have your medications been adjusted at all?

    lots of questions huh?

    *hugs*

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    1. Yeah they are really strong and rapid… I havent had any therapy or meds adjusted, and the panic attacks are getting more and more frequent… At least one a day. The rest of the time im just jittery as all get out.
      Also, people have been asking me if im feeling okay… The thing is, i usually am feeling normal. Apparently my face is thinning out and i dont look like myself anymore. I have more lines, shadows and dark circles on my face. People have been telling me that and act weird when they talk about my appearance…

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      1. ok, so more questions. :-)

        Have you ever had any tips/instruction on what to do when you have a panic attack?

        What meds are you on Amy? Are you depressed?

        Are you sleeping ok? Panic attacks whilst sleeping?

        and.. the self harm. I am sorry. *hugs* there are some ways to help with anxiety. A lot involve breathing and exercise, not gobs of it, but that helps a lot too. Are you finding your muscles at the end of the day to be sore and tense?

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      2. No ive never gotten any tips. I assume deep breathing is the only healthy things to do that helps. Im on concerta and ritalin for ADD and ive noticed no correlation between when i take them and my panic attacks.
        To answer your question about being depressed, lately, yes. I love my life and am thankful for it but i dont really enjoy it. I just feel really run down all the time by everything. I constantly feel angry, like i want to hit stuff and throw stuff and be destructive. Everything seems to hurt.
        Im sleeping okay, but i still wake up tired. I usually always have. Ive never had a panic attack in my sleep. But over the past 2 and a half months ive had dreams of my girlfriend falling, killing herself or of me being at her funeral.
        My muscles do hurt most of the time, and according to my friend who gives me random massages during class, im usuallu tense. I assume its from gym.
        Thanks for the hugs :) <3

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  3. Darn I had a long comment and it vanished. silly wordpress.

    ok so ritalin can cause anxiety and dizziness, concerta does not mix well with an anxiety disorder, So I feel strongly that you should call your pdoc and let him/her know about these issues you are having, a med change may solve some of them.

    Anxiety causes your muscles to tense, you may not realize it but you are probably tense most of the day, this leaves you tired and makes your muscles ache and be tired as well. There is a breathing and muscle exercise you can do, they don’t take long, once or more a day, that helps you to relax. I will send you the links to a great one I found online, I have to dash for the U now so it will be later.

    You have my email address, so if you want to say something that you would rather not say on the blog, please do. Or if you just want to talk.

    I recall that they wanted you to have some therapy and you didnt want it, This could help you with your anxiety and your panic attacks, It could at some point eliminate them.

    Peek through my blog, I did a post a while ago on how to deal with a panic attack. We can talk more about that later. They are terrible things and each one builds causing you more anxiety at the thought of having one.

    hmmm I hope I covered everything with this redo that I had on the first one.

    *hugs*

    oh, Depression will create anger and that destructive feeling. An anti-depressant may also be prescribed to help you with this :-)

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    1. WordPress needs to work better. Lol.
      I will talk to my doctor about that. I’m not real fond of taking meds, but as long as it helps, I guess it’s worth it. The therapy was to work out the relationship with my mother, which I had no interest in, not to help with ADD or anxiety. I was considering therapy but I have no way to get there after school, and neither of my parents have money. I shall also look through your blog. I see I have missed quite a bit since I’ve been on wordpress last. :) And that makes sense about the depression and anger relationship. I had that thought in the back of my mind, but I just don’t want to have clinical depression… :/

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      1. I have a post up on the different types of depression as well. They are all treatable Amy. Meds too, are not forever. It is tough when you can’t have therapy, I was wondering about that. I know there are issues that some help could sort out.

        Don’t wait too long though, to talk to him, I think your meds need some sorting out so you feel like Amy again. :-)

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  4. Here is an online pdf for relaxing your muscles.
    http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf

    read it over and see what you think, it really doesn’t take long to do and you may find, will find, it helps if you can stick to it. All of these things do not work at first try Amy, if you work at them though they really help.

    Now let me know if you want some help with your panic attacks too.

    *hugs*

    oh and Happy Easter :-)

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