Justin and Ashley’s Wedding

Yesterday, on September 29th, Justin and Ashley got married! They’ve known each other for eight years and have been together for seven.

You know those stupid little Boxelder bugs? Yeah, well they were in the church during the wedding. They weren’t just chillin’ on the walls either. They were full-on flying around and crawling on the pews.

Crawling on me. What the crap.

Anyway, I had to stop myself from crying when Ashley walked down the isle. There was just this feeling of excitement running through everybody… and it was amazing.

Afterwards, most of the family met at my Uncle’s house. There was time to kill between the actual wedding and the reception, so everyone figured that we should all just chill out at Uncle Joe’s. Somewhere in that few hours of running around the house, Becca (my second-cousin) and I fell asleep on the floor. It was in a weird place, too. (In my uncle’s bedroom next to the side of the bed closest to the wall) I don’t know how long we were sleeping, but I woke up to Aaron coming out of the bathroom yelling “You fags!”

I have such a nice family.

I rode with Aunt Cathy and Becca to the reception, where I had to search a table with a hundred ring-pops on it to find the one with my name on it, and reserve a seat. At first, I reserved a table for me, Cindy, Dad, and Jason somewhere near the front, but Aunt Cathy insisted the whole Bloch family be together and moved us to the very back. If you walked from the very front of the room to the back where we were, you could instantly feel the temperature change. It went from feeling like a summer day with a gentle breeze to feeling like the Sahara at night. It was warmer outside than it was inside.. Rene, Darren’s (my cousin) fiance, finally complained about it.

Eventually the time passed and it was time for dinner. Candles were lit, salad was dished out, and we were all still cold.

A waitress walked over to our table and told us that we could line up on either side of each table; they were both the same. However, not one person from any table listened to her, so I was able to skip everybody by going on the other side.

I’m smarticle.

The DJ at the reception was annoying. He kept making useless announcements over the loud speaker, telling us to clap for whoever for whatever reason. Because we sat in the back, we could barely hear him anyway. Which, I guess, was good to an extent. I couldn’t stand him anymore.

Soon after dinner and cake (which was the best cake ever), the lights were dimmed and everyone was called to the dance floor to watch Justin and Ashley’s first dance. It looked a little something like this.

Dirty Dancing just happens to be Becca’s all-time favorite movie, so she got so excited that she probably peed a little.

Their dance ended and everyone was welcomed back on the dance floor once more.

But there was no way I was going to dance. No way in hell.

Somehow Becca got me to do it, though, and then I couldn’t stop. So congratulations, Becca, for doing the impossible and getting me to dance.

When Amazed by Lonestar was played, Becca and I were all sad because our significant other wasn’t there, so we thought, hell with it, we’ll dance with each other.

Nothing makes you feel more lonely than a slow dance with your second cousin…. which is why we (horribly) sang along. It made things less awkward.

By the end of the night, I had kicked my heels off and had no clue where they were, gotten wine and beer dumped on me, and had the remnants of a sucker plastered on my ass.

I don’t know either, don’t ask.

Becca ended up spending the night and we passed out right away.

That was almost the funnest night of my life.

Almost.

Just Let Go

I tell myself I need you

then I tell myself I don’t.

But I can’t let go.

Not yet…

I try so hard to talk to you

but I still feel the loneliness…

I’m addicted.

Standing here, silent

wanting the foundation to crumble

waiting for it to be over.

I want to be released from this grip that is my own

so do what I’m not willing to

And just let go.

– Amy

My Heart Hurts

I’m all confused and stuff. I hurt but I really have no way out of it. Either way I go it’ll end up tearing me apart.

During my ELO today, I was so overwhelmed with thoughts that I wrote Love/Hate letter to a bunch of people. It cleared my head a great deal, but I have to shred those before someone reads them. I don’t want to get yelled at.

Speaking of school related issues, my MAP test scores are steadily going down. (from 251 to 247, then down to 242) I know exactly why, too. I’m confident that it’s not because I’m dumb. In fact, I know it’s not. I know the material, and even if I don’t I know there’s an easy way to figure it out. I can do this, I’m intelligent enough to do this. But  something in my brain just isn’t clicking. Once I see the problem and try to figure it out, it’s like a wall is suddenly put in front of me. My mindpower’s just blocked. It’s like a glass wall, actually, because I can see what I need to do, I just can’t do it. And they’re careless mistakes, they really are. I make these careless mistakes all the time. When I’m typing, words are rarely typed right the first time. I get the letters right, but the order of them is wrong. It’s happening more frequently and I hate it. It’s also happening around the  house. I’ll forget to do something so simple, and then I get yelled at after the  fact, when really I have no memory of it. This is getting worse; I never used to be like this.

Also, we’re paying $1400 out-of-pocket for this psychological testing, of which, the results got delayed two weeks because of financial issues. I was supposed too get the results today.

This post is getting way off topic.

Another reason my heart hurts because I really, really, REALLY, REALLY…………………. want a hug from Jenna Marbles.

Seriously.

I think that if she ever hugged me, I would melt into a big puddle of sexual. And proceed to cry tears of joy.

I love her almost as much as I love…

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Pandas.

 

QoW: What Inspires You?

QoW: What inspires you?

My A:

I don’t know if anything really inspires me… I just get a little boost in mental energy sometimes. I go through these phases where I feel invincible. Sometimes I feel like I want to do everything. Most times I feel like I’ll screw up somehow, which is the main cause of me not following through with things.

Intense life-lesson lectures, however, do not inspire me. They annoy me. I know all of that already, as I was smart enough to figure that out on my own.

Well, are you like me, or does a certain something inspire you to do better and achieve more?

– Amy

Isolation

Is it wrong if I feel cold, even when I’m covered in blankets?

It’s like everything just left me.

Everyone.

I know this feeling all too well… and it has returned.

I need something, someone, to help me fight it. Where’s my knight in shining armor? It came and went. Gone.

I suddenly feel trapped, isolated, separated from reality. Maybe I’ve  always been this way and hadn’t realized it.

Or maybe I’m too far into reality. I don’t know.

Either way, something’s not right. Something needs to change. I’ve gone from my spunky, sexual self to a quiet, secluded person who only a few people can see through. I think I’ve changed enough.

I’ve given up friends, my relationship, and more importantly, my music so I could focus on school and get through this. Yet somehow, I’m still getting pushed deeper and deeper into this hole.

I don’t understand.

What did I do wrong? Even after I’ve given up, no, sacrificed everything that brings me happiness and joy, I still fail.

– Amy

Moving Out

My mom decided to give Jason and I a “trial run” at our dad’s house.

Whatever that means.

Today at noon I’m cleaning my room and packing up my crap so tomorrow we can throw everything in Jason’s car and head out. That means that all through the week I can come home, finish my homework, and still make time for guitar and piano.

I’m so excited that the only thing that could make me more excited is if Jenna Marbles magically showed up at my door and gave me a hug.

We’ll see how this works out.

– Amy

 

 

Hope

I can’t do this.

But I can’t lose hope. Never give up, never lose hope.

Because hope dies last.

That’s the only thing keeping me going through this… it’s amazing how things people say can stick in your mind and either make you deteriorate or make you keep going…