This morning, on the ride home from my dad’s house, I was completely overwhelmed with thoughts. No, really. Like if you were to turn on 100 TV’s, three on channels with white noise, 6 with that annoying storm warning thing, and the rest with various other TV channels, that would be my brain.
All the time.
But this morning it was like, twice that. I wanted to share my thoughts and organize them, but I couldn’t. Fuckin’ ADD.
So maybe I should just start writing down my thoughts…. Here it goes…
Wow. I can’t believe I can’t remember my thoughts from this morning. Oh yeah, why the fuck does my brother hate me so much? We have to stick together… I guess he’s thinking about himself. He leaves me at my mom’s and takes his car and both bikes so him and his girlfriend can ride, my grandmas never home because she’s fucking 70 years old and still works, so I’m stuck here. Somewhere along the line I feel like I screwed up. Somewhere in my life I did something awful to my brother for him to just leave me out of everything. He’s a dick about all sorts of stuff and I can’t even have a decent conversation with him. My dad told me to stand up, then told me to hug him. Meanwhile Jason ‘s still sitting there looking at me, waiting, and I’m thinking, Bro, stand up. I’m not your bitch, show some respect. Now my dad thinks I hate my brother, when in reality, I have no problem hugging him or talking to him. He’s the one who hates ME.
And how do people expect me to be happy with myself if they are constantly comparing me to a woman who I despise? Seriously.The comments like “Stop being like your mother.” and “You’re just as bad as your mom at doing things.” hurts. It’s unimaginably offensive. It’s like questioning my intelligence. I’m not some piece of shit, lying, dumb fuck.
And I hate how Karl doesn’t give a single fuck about school. At graduation, even though I didn’t participate, I still wanted to say goodbye to my friends. Instead he yells at me, drags me out of the gym, and forces me to go home. What. The. Fuck. And then the next day at school Skonecki asks me if my mom yelled at me for not participating. I said no, but what I really wanted to say was HELL FUCKING YEAH. Everyone yelled at me for that and it was my BROTHER who had to say, “No, I’m not going to yell at her for that, she’s heard it enough. She get’s it.” My BROTHER. That guy who doesn’t give a shit about me had to say that. And then when we went to the orientation at Reagan, I wanted to find my classes and talk to the Cross Country coach before we left. So I waited in the hall for my mom for 15 minutes after everyone left, when Karl sends me a text “We’re outside, hurry up.” Dude. this is important. Graduation was important. What the fuck is your problem.
Right now my brain is exploding because every sentence up there branches off to another thought. My brain is a huge tree of what the fuck ever.
Help me. I’m going crazy.