I’m losing my sanity. It’s slowly trickling away every time someone talks to me. Yet somehow, apart from all of the confusion, I still manage to keep everything inside, secrets included. My childhood has taught me self control: When to say something and when not to, and also how to say it. I manage to stay calm and collected in tough situations. I can’t do that any more. I’m losing my grip on reality and am slipping into this world that requires you to do nothing but sit back, relax, and watch the action unfold.
What the Bloch family lacks in patience, we more than make up for in strength. Becca, Jason, and I are the strongest in the family, it seems, for our generation. This Thanksgiving in our new little house that we put so much effort into, with just Jason, Dad, and I, felt like the warmest Thanksgiving of my life. There was no arguing or bad tempers. All I could sense was a strong feeling of gratefulness and respect for one another. Even Steve, one of my Dad’s old employees, came over to say “hi,” before running off to his parents house for the night.
But at my mom’s, it’s a different story. There are bad moods, a lack of caring, and an even more significant lack of understanding.
I have this strange feeling that everyone is disappointed in me for not being worth more, for not doing more or being more productive. It feels like my whole family is like that. It’s never, “You’re doing great at trying to get better grades.” Instead it’s, “You need to try harder.” or “Your slacking, quit putzing.” I have been told numerous amount of times that I have a negative aura traveling around with me. Half the time, I don’t even realize it’s there.
You know that big sister I always looked up to? The one that has a beautiful family and owns her own store? Yeah, her. All of a sudden It’s all about the store and selling stuff. The picture of her and I at a Brewer’s game mysteriously disappeared from her Facebook. It seems to be replaced with wine racks and purses for sale. She’s making no effort to get in contact with us when we call. I miss her.
I feel confined in this box I call my room. I’m stuck here, pacing, listening to music, and reflecting on myself. My mom, step father, and brother may or may not be bickering out in the living room. In fact, might I add, I know the only reason my step dad is sticking around is so Jason and I have some kind of financial support. He loves us. I hope Jason can realize that. ..
My mother thinks she know what’s best for her children. What mother doesn’t? But my guess is that she is in her own little world too, as a result of confining herself to the living room and the open world of the internet. She has gained a noticeable amount of weight, but denies that anything is physically or mentally wrong with her unless it makes her look helpless and gets her out of doing a chore.
You may think I’m sitting here writing this post from my heart at 12:17 am for attention. I’m not, and I sincerely apologize if it looks that way. I also apologize if I make anyone feel like a bad person, as I have been told I do. But if it bothers you that much that your “a b***h“, despite my constant attempts to convince you that you are not, look at what you don’t like, and change it.
I want to add that I love my friends. You are like sisters to me, even if haven’t told you guys that. I will always be here for you guys and will always be honest with you. In fact, I am probably the most humble, honest, loyal, and understanding friend you will ever meet.
All I am asking for, not begging for, is a little understanding and belief.